I have attempted to find an illustrator several times over the past few months. My goal is to elevate an artist as I was elevated by others as a writer. However, each time I have been met with hundreds to thousands of scams (yesterday was over a thousand).

The sheer audacity is amazing. And I have to laugh at my stupidity, thinking that there are still honest people in the world who simply want to do good work. That statement is wrong—of course, the artists I wish to meet are out there. They are just under the bottom of the pile of excrement known currently as scammers.

When I ask for a website or a portfolio, the person on the other side of the email exchange provides them—stolen ones. How do I know? Because I lined them up yesterday, and they are using the SAME examples, photos swiped from other real sites, claiming they are theirs.

I feel very sorry for today’s new artists, whether in art, music, writing, crafts, or any other type of unique creation. Your work is being stolen. As I’m pretty sure mine has already. (Yes, opening a Muso account is already on my to-do list.)

The promotional world has become a quagmire. There has to be a way out of this mess. And I intend to find it. So what could I possibly do?

Never underestimate the power of a pissed-off southern female lawyer.

1. Hire a hacker.

   1. This option would be advantageous for me, as I need one anyway as a subject-matter expert for my current manuscript-in-progress. (No, scammers, that is NOT an invitation to provide me more of your fake services.)

   2. I would request that each suspected scammer be thoroughly investigated and that various options for retaliation be provided for each scammer, based on their information and the hacker's creativity. Provide the information requested to the person in Number 4 below.

   3. Shower each scammer with the true meaning of DDoS1 and other interesting methods of online and digital harassment. Ask your friends to join in. The more the merrier.

   4. Teach the scammer the true meaning of doxxing.2

2. Hire a programmer.

   1. Create a program to filter all information supplied by the scammer to determine authenticity, similar to a porn blocker or an anti-theft app. (Yes, I tried to do this with one of the large language models, but was unsuccessful.) Provide all confirmations of scammers to the person in #1 above.

      1. This must be specialized software that blocks only spammers, and not legitimate businesses, and is not a blanket anti-malware type filter that blocks everything.3

   2. Include an option for reporting all stolen information to the owner of said stolen items. Provide assistance for retaliation if needed to the owner as part of the programmer’s services. (See #1 and #4)

   3. Create a program that automatically responds with the appropriate message in all apps (including email and DMs) to each scammer every 3 seconds for the next 72 hours. Each follow-up email sent by the scammer will trigger responses every 2 seconds for 7 days.

3. Hire a lawyer.

   1. Well, that would be me. Or maybe someone even more creative and vengeful than me. I know they exist. I practiced law for 30 years, remember? I just need a lawyer extremely experienced in technology.

   2. Issue cease and desist orders. These are only the first shots over the bow. They are fun. And you learn immediately who the bad guys really are.

   3. Create very interesting legal actions to frustrate each scammer.

   4. Create a bonus system for other attorneys who want to have fun with additional levels for exceptional creativity.

   5. But for international locations and those not protected by copyright see #4.

4. Hire a hitman, a hitwoman, or a hitperson.

   1. Do I have to spell it out for you? Seriously? (I’m a thriller writer. Did you forget?)

   2. Assure this person’s qualifications by making sure he or she has seen all episodes of The Blacklist featuring the character Teddy Brimley for his “interrogation” techniques.

   3. Bonus for specialized techniques that include strobe lights, loud music, and no food 24/7.

Legal disclaimer:

Yes, this is satire.

But seriously, wouldn’t you love to have a way to repay them for all the wasted time and resources?